Mallory: From the borough murder committee? I love your work. No, I don’t actually know any of your work. Sorry.
Ben: So this isn’t about my...my mom?
Mallory: Do I need a lawyer for this?
Kill Witch: Should I call my doula for this?
Crystal Murderer: Clothes on or…?
Ben: I warn you, I’m surrounded by a hundred ghosts. OK, they all left. They weren't going to help me anyway.
None of them were lawyers.
Mallory: I mean, I’d call that guy who defended the Jacuzzi emporium but he...drowned in a jacuzzi.
CM: I’m just going to take the crystals out of my pockets and let them breathe on the chair. They need their space. And these jeans are like a little bit tight [clunking] aaaahhh
Mallory: I filed the paperwork! Ben sent it in.
Ben: the paperwork went straight into my cleanest trader Joe’s bag.
KW: I don’t even write my spells down. Do you know what writing her name down can do to a witch? I just wiped some blood on my subletting agreement.
Mallory: What do you mean, background check? Do I look like the FBI?
KW: I consulted a number of psychics, dowsers, drowsers, and the Genie from Aladdin. The animated film. He’s available online for a nominal fee.
CM: It’s just the moonstone doesn’t like being around the aquamarine, and onyx gets all panicky in my pocket. They have a lot of needs and moods. No, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m a servant of the crystals. [pause] No, you’re right I wouldn’t have passed a background check. Maybe in the 3rd grade. Just kidding. My pencils were way too sharp back then.
Mallory: I mean, I checked their facebook profiles. Crystal’s politics say “murder.”
Ben: my mom told me I had to get a job. Mom…
Mallory: I don’t think we’re required to have this payroll you speak of. If I don’t have a social security number, why should anyone else?
Ben: She said I’d get royalties for the murders. The real money is in royalties.
Mallory: My mom said Santa took my social security card away.
KW: Yes, I can confirm the Drano came from family dollar. It’s actually a much more caustic chemical known as Dollar-o. You’ll have 80% less pipe at the end. It’s the leading cause of drano dripping on your downstairs neighbor’s head.
Mallory: Of course I filled paperwork out and printed it. No, I didn’t submit it to anyone! It was on the computer! Registered what?
Ben: You told me this room was for grief counseling! You don’t even have tissues! I’m bereaved! [pause] Sorry, bereft.
CM: Oh, yeah, I have all my crystals registered at family dollar. I got a guy. We go into family dollar and do the transactions. He’s kind of the only person who looks me in the eye anymore.
Mallory: I can’t give you a complete list of my addresses. Mausoleums don’t have addresses!
KW: I failed the evaluation based on my outfit? What do you have against upcycled mousepads?
CM: That’s...not surprising. I’ve actually never passed any sort of evaluation. I don’t even have my learner’s permit or a library card. Did you know you could fail the SAT? And the questionnaire to get a Stop N Shop club card. [laughs] Yeah they were pretty much doomed when they hired me.
Mallory: You’re going to do WHAT to us? You can’t! We have investors!
Ben: Can’t you at least give me a few hours? [pause] To use the bathroom. Can I have a ginger ale? And some capers? It’s my comfort food.
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Sam Barbaro is a writer for the Fearsome Morning Podcast and Assassin.ly.