Transcript for Minisode - Interrogation

Mallory: From the borough murder committee? I love your work. No, I don’t actually know any of your work. Sorry. 

Ben: So this isn’t about my...my mom? 

Mallory: Do I need  a lawyer for this?

Kill Witch: Should I call my doula for this? 

Crystal Murderer: Clothes on or…?

Ben: I warn you, I’m surrounded by a hundred ghosts. OK, they all left. They weren't going to help me anyway. 
None of them were lawyers. 

Mallory: I mean, I’d call that guy who defended the Jacuzzi emporium but he...drowned in a jacuzzi. 

CM: I’m just going to take the crystals out of my pockets and let them breathe on the chair. They need their space. And these jeans are like a little bit tight [clunking] aaaahhh

Mallory: I filed the paperwork! Ben sent it in. 

Ben: the paperwork went straight into my cleanest trader Joe’s bag. 

KW: I don’t even write my spells down. Do you know what writing her name down can do to a witch?  I just wiped some blood on my subletting agreement.

Mallory: What do you mean, background check? Do I look like the FBI? 

KW: I consulted a number of psychics, dowsers, drowsers, and the Genie from Aladdin. The animated film. He’s available online for a nominal fee. 

CM: It’s just the moonstone doesn’t like being around the aquamarine, and onyx gets all panicky in my pocket. They have a lot of needs and moods. No, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m a servant of the crystals. [pause]  No, you’re right I wouldn’t have passed a background check. Maybe in the 3rd grade.  Just kidding. My pencils were way too sharp back then. 

Mallory: I mean, I checked their facebook profiles. Crystal’s politics say “murder.”

Ben: my mom told me I had to get a job. Mom…

Mallory: I don’t think we’re required to have this payroll you speak of. If I don’t have a social security number, why should anyone else? 

Ben: She said I’d get royalties for the murders. The real money is in royalties. 

Mallory: My mom said Santa took my social security card away. 

KW: Yes, I can confirm the Drano came from family dollar. It’s actually a much more caustic chemical known as Dollar-o. You’ll have 80% less pipe at the end. It’s the leading cause of drano dripping on your downstairs neighbor’s head.


Mallory: Of course I filled paperwork out and printed it. No, I didn’t submit it to anyone! It was on the computer! Registered what? 

Ben: You told me this room was for grief counseling! You don’t even have tissues! I’m bereaved! [pause] Sorry, bereft. 

CM: Oh, yeah, I have all my crystals registered at family dollar. I got a guy. We go into family dollar and do the transactions. He’s kind of the only person who looks me in the eye anymore.

Mallory: I can’t give you a complete list of my addresses. Mausoleums don’t have addresses! 

KW: I failed the evaluation based on my outfit? What do you have against upcycled mousepads? 

CM: That’s...not surprising. I’ve actually never passed any sort of evaluation. I don’t even have my learner’s permit or a library card. Did you know you could fail the SAT? And the questionnaire to get a Stop N Shop club card. [laughs] Yeah they were pretty much doomed when they hired me. 

Mallory: You’re going to do WHAT to us? You can’t! We have investors! 

Ben: Can’t you at least give me a few hours? [pause] To use the bathroom. Can I have a ginger ale? And some capers? It’s my comfort food.