Trailer Transcript

Mallory: You’re here. You voted for state-regulated assassination. Or you stayed home and didn’t vote, but maybe you’re ready to take advantage--

Ben: Stop making this political! Besides, the election is over. 

Mallory: I was just giving some context.

Ben: Switch gears!

Mallory: Is there someone in your family like my great, great uncle Teddy? He showers once a week and uses air freshener in between.

Ben: There was pee smell. I smelled it from outside his car when he came here to drop off his dead wife’s set of collectible Welch’s jelly jars. 

Mallory: If only it was just a pee smell.  Could you enjoy Christmas ham while he tells dirty jokes and is dirty? And he’s young for a great, great uncle! He’s not going any time soon. 

Ben: Do you think he ever learned to do laundry? 

Mallory: Do you have a great, great uncle Teddy? Assassinate him before he ruins another holiday that’s already bad. 
Or, what about my cousin’s step dad, Jeff? Jeff thought he could eat for free because his stepson worked at chili’s. There’s no such thing as a free jalapeno popper. Especially not a step jalapeno popper.

What about my uncle Robert? He bet the money he and aunt Claire had been saving for years for a weekend trip to the Poconos on an episode of the property brothers.

Ben: Most episodes of property brothers do not include a TKO. He wanted a specific property brother to beat the other property brother

Mallory: They have names?

Ben: And the couple to not buy a house.

Mallory: I thought the second brother was CGI. 

What about Grandpa Carl who keeps trying to out his grandson as a cannibal? He’s all, I found an arm in your room. Where are the arms coming from? Stop breaking into mausoleums, grandpa Carl! And stop putting your “treasures” in your grandson’s Lego box!

Ben: Mausoleums have very lax security.  

Mallory: He likes them because you don’t have to dig. You just get cursed every time you enter one.

Ben: you’ve been cursed once, you’ve been cursed a hundred times.

Mallory: He opens the casket with a crowbar. His garage is filled with crowbars. When I was a kid, he’d carry one around the neighborhood and just show me how he could open people’s trunks with them. We found two kidnapping victims that way. One of them was alive. 

Ben: and the other was and is very indignant.  Wait, quick! Tell them what it’s about! You’re way off track! 

Mallory: We kill people. 

Ben: They already know that. We’re running out of time! Sell it! 

Mallory: Assassin.ly! Because hiring us is less emotional work than having an honest conversation with someone who has upset you. 

Ben: What would your family be like without those people?
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Mallory: It would just be a collection of Hummels.