Minisode Transcript: Potions My Coven Doesn't Endorse

Kill Witch: (excited) Hey, subscribers!
 
Ben: Not like that. You’re not doing some sort of youtube tutorial on how to open microsoft excel. 

KW: Last I checked you’re not here to direct, Ben. You’re here because your phone has a microphone and your mom’s basement has asbestos insulation.  Mallory is letting me do this because she thinks I have a following.

Ben: She thinks you're her best chance at a following. That’s different. 

KW: She thinks I can be like that psychic assassin who can move pizza, and other Italian food. But mostly pizza. 

Ben: It’s just what tends to be in the street. 

KW: Is Crystal doing one of these, too? 

Ben: When Mallory asked, Crystal murderer scratched her up using crystals with a little bit of everything she’s allergic to, or could be allergic to, or just raw sewage on the top. She yelled, I am cursed. Do not ask me to share my curse with others. I must wallow! We would have just let her wallow. 

Mallory’s arms have scratches on them that are scabbing over with crystal. It’s getting harder for her to bend her elbow. She’d get it checked out, but she doesn’t have health insurance. 

Ben: Thank God she didn’t touch me. She knows if you hurt me, an army of ghosts will boo you. They might even remember to be kind of rude to you after you die, so...

KW: (mystical) Do you think someone who has delved so deeply into the spirit world would be afraid of ghosts? 

Ben: If I met anyone like that, I’d use different threats.Like, next time you get a coffee from me, don't assume it's a pleasant drinking temperature. Or, I’m going to the bakery but I might not pick you the biggest muffin with the most visible chocolate chips.  

KW: (angry) You can’t go to a bakery and not pick the best muffin. That’s like throwing your money in the trash!

Ben: Don’t cross me. I’ll make your morning mildly less good, and that could affect the rest of the day in ways you don’t pick up on because they are subtle. Maybe you don’t have enough glucose. Anyway, my mom needs me to look through a box of old papers and decide to keep all of them, so let’s cut to it. What are you going to do today?

KW: A nice, accessible intro to *magical* potions that I call, potions you can pull together with just 5 ingredients, in the time it takes you to fly into a rage.

Ben: Do you think when you’re flying into a rage is a good time to throw together a potion? 

KW: Oh, it’s the best time. 

I call this one, lipstick of tragedy. Picture this, you’re on instagram, and one of your coven members is going live. Four of your 40 closest sisters are sitting with her, enjoying a new restaurant several boroughs away. They didn’t invite you. 

Just because you refuse to pay for tip or anything anyone else bought, including appetizers, which you totally didn’t have any of. And because you insist on change from your five dollars. For every sweet, conscientious, boundary-enforcing, budget-conscious person who has experienced this exact scenario, this one’s for you. And you can make it with stuff you already have in your home. I just grab my stone mortar and pestle, one that has been blessed by a priest AND someone who placed in the Chicago marathon. Remember, they only have to have placed. Anyone who tells you that you need a winner is trying to rip you off. 

KW: First, we have a mandrake leaf

Ben: (sniffs) that’s basil

KW: Heart of a cloud

Ben: That’s sour cream. The container says sour cream.

KW: That’s just where I keep it. If you don’t have heart of cloud, go outside and stab the nearest cloud right in its heart. True witches know where a cloud’s heart is. 

KW: Fresh nutmeg. I’m going to grate it.

Ben: That’s a dog turd that’s shaped sort of like a nut. You better have a separate one for parmesan cheese. 

KW: (sarcastic) Because parmesan cheese smells so good. Finally, the silent princess, straight from Hyrule. If you don’t have this, you can use a fire flower from Mario. It makes for a spicier vibration. 

Ben: It’s, um, it’s nothing. She’s holding nothing.  

KW: I like to throw in a little toilet water, or as the french call it, eau de toilette, just kinda mix it around until I feel good. Then I get a little rage out. Really channel your rage when you pestle. Remember the people who have wronged you. Think about times they could have been better. Think about times other people could have been better and pretend it was these people. Make up stories to tell your therapist. (crystal is full of rage now) 

Ben: So, what do you do with this? 

KW: You give it to the friends who betrayed you like it was nothing. It’s probably better to put it in different tins, so they don’t all have to use the same lip balm, but I only had this takeout container I got roasted red peppers in.

Ben: I see it still has a roasted red pepper in it.

KW: Let them smear the potion on their lips. It smells so good, they won’t be able to resist. It’ll probably do what cersei did to that lady in Game of Thrones. 

Ben: Scylla? 

KW: No, Brahn Stark. 
‘
Ben: Do you have any potions for making someone psychic? 

KW: I have a special face mask. 

Ben: Is it just pureed frozen burrito? Because I do that already. 

KW: What? No! I’ll tell you what’s in it if you say you’ll try it.

Ben: I sat in a graveyard in the rain trying to move chalk that already disintegrated. You think I’d say no to a little eau de toilette? 

KW: OK, everyone. Ben is going to try my special face mask. Here it is, guaranteed to enhance anyone’s psychic powers. First, we grab some Valentina hot sauce, and you mix it with sriracha, any generic is good, but I like this one that’s been blessed by the coach of the Toms River track and field team. Athletes make it better. Finally, my secret ingredient: bear spray. Bear spray is so spicy, even bears hate it. 

[spraying noise]

And they put hot sauce on everything. If this doesn’t open you up to spiritual experiences, nothing will. 

Ben: I don’t know about this. Maybe we should just put a little on my big toe to test.

KW: Don’t worry about it. It’s like acids and bases, the spices cancel each other out. Here we go! 

Ben: (distressed) Oh, my god it burns! 

KW: That’s just the psychic powers making their way into your pores. 

Ben: [screams] 

KW: Until next time! How do I stop this thing from recording? 

Ben: Pour some milk on my face. Get yogurt and sugar! 

KW: How about a frozen burrito? 

Ben: There are 3 in my desk drawer. Put one in my mouth..