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Assassin.ly is sponsored by Edible Monuments, presented by edible arrangements Edible monuments brings custom deliciousness to your funeral or party. We make gravestones, crosses, giant angels, and saints out of Himalayan sea salt, delicious artisan-baked cookies, and day-old fruit on a stick.. Try an eco-friendly memorial for the graveyard, backyard, or pool that bugs will love. Get the Cakestone XL for your grandpa who had diabetes, or a gravestone made of jawbreakers for your uncle who thought he was funny, but was just mean. He insulted your mom’s lasagna and the way your sister’s pants fit. They both cried. Listen to our emotionally and culinarily satisfied customers I figured out this was cheaper per lb than buying that himilayan sea salt at Costco. And if I die of high blood pressure, it already has my name on it! I got a monument made out of fruit. Healthy as anything! Mom would have been so proud! It was like five thousand dollars, and I have nothing to put on her grave but a couple of pineapple rings. She didn’t even like pineapple. Edible monuments. Because eating and grief go together. (end advertisement) Mallory: Because boundaries take consistent effort, but murder is a one-time thing CEO Note 402: To survive in the business world, you have to adapt, you have to be ruthless, you have to skip flossing and sleep with one leg out from under the covers. You have to go outside thinking you’re going to be attacked by a bear. EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. You have to hire brand managers, steal their ideas and refuse to pay unemployment. Frame them for misconduct. Say they were taking light bulbs from your fixtures, where in reality you never had any lightbulbs or fixtures. Did you know that Elon Musk works only in total darkness wearing nothing but an ice pack? Ben: On his genitals. Mallory: Never, ever, admit that your products transmitted disease because then you’ll be jack in the box to McDonald's, Cousin Frank’s Refurbished jacuzzi warehouse to Uncle Carlo’s secondhand jacuzzi emporium. Ben: Which used jacuzzi place didn’t infect people with the herpes? Mallory: You have to metaphorically and literally kill people. [excited] EEE! Which we finally did last week. I’m so excited to tell you about it. But first, let me introduce you to a little idea invented by TV pastors and netflix: Subscription pricing. New York State hit its murder quota pretty quickly. If the program continues, and I’m betting my grandma’s retirement it does, there’s currently a waitlist until 2034. At that point, the list devolves into friends’ hypothetical children, you know, just in case. These make great baby shower gifts by the way. If people can’t get assassinations done safely and legally, you have to wonder if they’ll take things into their own hands. Imagine how much business could be lost, how much in legal tax revenue. Um, anyway, we big CEOs went on reddit and found out that there’s a loophole. If someone pays for a subscription to a single assassination service before December 31st, they can contract as many murders as they can get approved by April. We in the industry are having to reinvent ourselves after...having just invented ourselves. It’s like asking a pupa to switch gears and turn into a ford fiesta. That’s what my cousin who sells refurbished jacuzzis said after 3 of her warehouses became herpes testing sites. And they know A LOT about pivoting. What will be the impact of this loophole? Well, I’m not an expert in, um, anything, really, because it’s important for CEOs to be Jacks of all trades, and not just one trade. But I think my opinion is very important. Economists are currently disagreeing with each other about the effect on unemployment, GDP, used jacuzzi sales, 401Ks, 5Ks, and the environment. Philosophers are mostly curled up in a fetal position next to their macbook airs. Many of them have already ripped off their elbow patches and are using them as tissues. But what does it mean for us at Assassin.ly? Deck the halls because That’s right, we’re working through Christmas, Chanukah, the Winter Solstice, Festivus! The subscriptions are rolling in. It turns out, when options are limited for, what I see as an essential service, people are willing to pay a premium. How much does a subscription cost? Short answer: more than netflix but less than Mrs Field’s Cookie of the hour club. Ben: I love their slogan. (imitating John Goodman's voice) Hi, I’m John Goodman for Mrs. Fields. Mallory: Ben was a founding member of that club., Assassin.ly, we charge $750 plus taxes and fees. And, well, we know this is a heavily taxed service, there are a lot of government fees, and we couldn't resist throwing in some of our own. We’re basically a rental car service. Bet you can’t tell which are ours and which are the government’s! We’ve got:
Hmm, I don’t know what that last one does. Overall, it ends up being about $1200 a year. Not bad, if you can get two assassinations in. Of course, the system doesn’t allow a single person to contract more than two per year, and the government sends a crack team of a police dog, federal investigator, psychologist, and psychic to interview you once you apply for the second one. They’re determined to assess you from...every possible angle. My aunt Denise didn’t pet the police dog and they denied her request. The altar in her bathroom dedicated to the Purge films didn’t help. Ben: They picked up pretty quickly that Uncle Herald was just Uncle Gerald Mallory: It was worth a try! Some people are desperate to instagram their first assassination experience, or just desperate to kill before they’re killed. It’s rough out there. For $750 plus taxes and fees, Assassinly will take care of you in style. Now, moving on. In an effort to remain accountable and transparent, remember those others have lost, and celebrate company successes, I’m pleased to announce we had 3 semi-successful assassinations last week. Congrats, guys! I’m so proud of you. First, I want to highlight Crystal Murderer’s first multi-murder. Technically unintentional. We started calling her Crystal and then shortened it to Chris, by the way. She had some feelings but I think she’s leaning into it now. After sending two women who mostly met the intended victim’s description to the hospital with blood poisoning and accidentally slaughtering a third, and this is reading from the official documentation, “with her tainted and magical crystals” Don’t worry-- we have insurance -- Chris posed as an uber driver outside the target’s place of business. Apparently the victim had an inkling that she was being targeted, and was taking lyfts home from work every day. Very expensive. After accepting and rejecting countless rides and frustrating hundreds of customers, to the point where her license plate appears on some sort of anger website and Uber’s DO NOT RIDE list, Chris was able to identify her target by name on the app. According to Chris’s write-up, she had to pee really badly and didn’t have time for the cyanide to work. She screamed in a rageful vibration and slit the--correct--victim’s throat from the front seat with a very large and sharp rose quartz. She says you can only get a crystal that powerful on Etsy’s black market or in a part of Brooklyn so edgy it only appears on Tuesdays at 3:00 PM. She was in the front seat and the target was in the back, so it wasn’t quick or clean, in fact I believe she missed the first time, so it was also loud. Thank goodness for child protection locks. The cleaning fee for the car is...truly incredible. We also found out that Chris has prosopagnosia. Congrats on your diagnosis, Chris. I hope we figure out what that means, soon. The goal is, of course, for the mark to never know that they’re the target, and I will be including that feedback on your quarterly review. She...definitely knew. Which is very clear on our Instagram story. If you are a person who needs that level of detail, which, now that I think about it, seems pretty likely if you’re listening to this, go check out our page. She’s a crystal murderer. She stabs people with her crystals. Request Chris on the app, and be nice to her. She’s very sensitive when you give her unexpected feedback about how many people she was supposed to murder. Professionals, artists, crystal empaths, they’re touchy. It’s their way and you have to respect it. That’s what Ben keeps saying. Ben: Dead people teach you things sometimes. Mostly about how to talk to sensitive people who want to pretend they were underappreciated vaudeville performers in the 1880s, and not water taxi getaway drivers in the 1980s. Mallory: Ben talks to me and thousands of dead people. Should I feel special? On to murder #2, which took place in a public restroom. Ben: Ha, number two. You are most likely to get murdered in a public restroom on a Thursday. Ghosts told me that. Mallory: Do they mean that the most murders happen on Thursdays, or is Thursday some kind of National Restroom Murder Day? Ben: It’s really hard to get clarification. Ghosts just kind of get mad and repeat themselves. Mallory: Just like my alive uncles talking about why they lost custody. Anyway, on to Kill Witch’s murder. Note to Kill Witch: mixing bleach and ammonia is not a witch’s brew, and we wish you the swiftest recovery. Being under 5 feet tall doesn’t make you impervious to vapors. Fortunately, she was also carrying a gun. She crawled across four stalls on her elbows and shot through a giant roll of toilet paper meant as a silencer. If you were wondering, that doesn’t work. It still makes a lot of noise and causes a cloud of dust so fine that it actually cuts little holes in people’s lungs. KIll Witch was OK because she was on the floor, and very short. Between the ammonia bleach and DIY asbestos, a lot of people who went to Arby’s on Thursday are in the hospital. Finally, someone requested Ben, who has no skills. Ben: Hey! Mallory: And he’s the only one who didn’t land himself or someone else in the hospital by accident. Doing his best to keep our hospitals uncrowded and health insurance costs down. So, how did he do it? Well, Ben sniped a little boy brushing his teeth in the morning. Ben: Not brushing his teeth. Mallory: Right, his parents wanted him assassinated for not brushing his teeth. I mean, that’s pretty disgusting. Kids do it all the time, but that doesn’t make it not gross. And I hear this one liked his tuna sandwiches. Ben shot the child from his treehouse. Wow, that’s dark. Ben, do you want to talk a little bit about that? Ben: He was running the water and eating sweet tarts in the bathroom. If you have any objections, look at the three things this kid was doing:
Mallory: Do you think all these bathroom murders will cause people anxiety? They could get constipated. Ben: More time in the bathroom in case we need to murder them. Mallory: A win-win! Did the ghosts help you snipe the boy? Ben: No. A few of them kept singing you’re gonna miss and tried to get in my way. Apparently, you still have bad breath after you die. Mallory: Imagine 18th century bad breath. [clears throat] Please, A moment of silence for our victims, intended and unintended. And probably the ghosts around me who will complain if they’re not mentioned. Ben: They complain anyway. Mallory: Now, on a positive note. Our chief investor celebrated her 87th birthday this week. Happy birthday, grandma! Ben: Isn’t it in poor taste to talk about your octogenarian grandmother when a child is dead? Mallory: You’re right. That kid could have collected tiny ceramic animals to fill the void, disowned 3 out of 4 children, not stopped talking about where he was during the Kennedy assassination, and confused 9-11 with the OJ trial. Ben: Sounds like we saved that kid a lot of grief. Mal: If he couldn't handle brushing his teeth now, what could he handle? Anyway, the subscriptions are rolling in. Overhead is low, as is Ben’s mom’s basement’s ceiling. Keep that paperwork and the investment offers coming! Ben: What investment offers? Mal: Until next time! (advertisement) Presenting Griefbox: a subscription to go with your murder subscription. What’s in your grief box? This month’s box might have: A frame with an old person in it A flower A hankie A brene brown book Sweatpants A spray bottle filled with tears A sage smudge stick...just in case An inspirational quote inside a fortune cookie A blanket your grandma could have knitted...but didn’t Do you know someone who’s grieving, but don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a tacky heart made out of carnations so large it could crush your grandma? Console relatives and yourself in a contemporary, impersonal way with griefbox Subscribe now and you’ll get a free copy of our laminated card filled with funeral dos and don'ts Do wear tasteful, muted colors. Don’t try to sell someone makeup in front of their husband’s corpse. Save that for the parking lot! Don’t try to talk someone into a 2-for-1 deal on a funeral. Coffins are built for one. Don’t ask if you can re-use their coffin. Leave that to murderclean. Don’t bring a belated birthday gift or card for the deceased. That cardigan is yours now. DO send griefbox! Let’s hear from some satisfied customers I had my coworker’s son assassinated because he was spending too much time with family, and not enough time on work. Plus, the kid pulled all the leaves off the office poinsettia. But I got him Griefbox, so it’s all fine now, well, as long as he sends me a new plant. You know who you are, Eric. Erase your office faux pas with grief box! Visit our website for more details and start spending money on your grieving process today. One box for $300 or a yearly subscription for $325. You save if you experience more grief. Choose girefbox for your yearlong--or more--journey through grief Subscribe with code assassin.ly and get a free flower crown with your first box, so it’s like you’re wearing a funeral on instagram
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AuthorSam Barbaro is a writer for the Fearsome Morning Podcast and Assassin.ly. Archives
March 2021
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